Today, my Yogi tea said: ‘Life is a gift. Experience is the beauty.’
This morning, I did not wake and bake. Hardly woke. Definitely not baked. I’m dogsitting in the West of Amsterdam for a few days – like a city break in my own city. Hardly a break, though. I’ve had a particularly emotional day today. And a bird shat on me. Those are unrelated statements by the way. The bird shit is kind of funny actually. I didn’t even notice. Do you imagine? A bird shits on you and you don’t notice. You only do when 3 women look at you funny. I happened to pour a bunch of candle wax all over my jacket at work last night (it’s ruined) – I assumed that was what the looks were about. No, no. It was the bird shit. I did wonder if they saw it happening, or if they just noticed the green mess above my right pocket, just sitting there, all shitty. Either way, emotional day.
I felt overwhelmed. I didn’t want to say ‘overwhelmed’, because that makes me feel super overwhelmed and, well, I don’t want that.
Do you ever feel like you’re doing fucking great, on the ball, on fire, BIM, and then all of a sudden you can’t think of tomorrow without having tears in your eyes? When you can’t possibly think of what’s coming (or not) without entirely freaking out? When the irrational fear takes over because let’s face it ‘who am I to think I can do it all, then some more, and succeed? Of course it’s all going to crash down somehow, all up in flames. Everybody will hate me forever and return all my products ever and I might as well just give up now.’ Or is this just me?
So, what do I do… Do I go off the grid for a few days, apologise to everyone involved later and try to move on from the shame of letting everyone down? Do I keep trying and leave future Amandine with the task to move on from the shame later? Do I write everything (correction: word vomit all over you lovelies) and see whether I can make sense of it all? Do I just sit here, all teary and uncomfortable, in need of a kitty cuddle and joint?
I’m doing my best, I promise.
It’s all too much.
I met my friend at the coffeeshop tonight because I thought I needed to talk to someone. He picked the place. When I walked in, I had this sensation of déjà vu take over me. I had been there before. Almost 6 years ago, as I was preparing to move to Amsterdam and in town to look for a place, with my then-boyfriend. We had spent some time in this coffeeshop (1ste Hulp) before heading back to Paris. The weed was nice, and GINGER KITTY. Today, I immediately remembered the 3-leveled place and noticed the cat food in the corner. I looked up, there she was. A massive white ginger kitty. This was not the ginger kitty from 6 years ago, but she was just as lovely and at least twice as big. The funny bit is that I had tried to find this coffeeshop again ever since I moved here. No luck. In my mind, it was further west, or north, and today I found it, without looking at all. The universe has a great sense of humour.
I have great things coming. And if somehow I manage to fuck EVERYTHING up, I will have learned a whole lot (surely). Can anyone really ever fuck EVERYTHING up? Well, I’ll tell you this: if I do manage that, it won’t be from not trying, not daring, not leaping. Tearing (read: crying my eyes out and sobbing uncontrollably)? Most probably. But you know what? That doesn’t fuck EVERYTHING up either. Trust me on that one, I have 32 years of solid crying experience. Still here. Still sitting uncomfortably. Still tearing. Still trying.
‘Life is a gift. Experience is the beauty.’
I’m experiencing beauty. It’s all dark and twisted and amazing and blinding sometimes.
Tomorrow, I’m waking and baking. With my kitty.
Much love, A.M.P. xx
Ps. Do you love your kitty (or doggy) half as much as I love mine? Look into CBD for pets – it’s a game changer, especially for anxious animals (from separation, fireworks, changes in their environment). Great preventively too.
A.M.P is the founder and C.E.O of AMP Smoking.