April, April, April.
You were intense. Warm, and very cold. Fun, and very tiring. Committed. Determined. Swaying back to old ways, and teaching those lessons again. Overwhelming at times. But oh-so-worth-it.
I’m a big fan of Yogi Teas. Mostly, I’ll admit, for their wise quotes attached to each tea bag. When I do the washing up at the coffeeshop, I rush to read each nugget of hope before disposing of the bags. Tonight, my Yogi tea says: “Never try to impress others, try to impress yourself.” It’s just a quote, right? A random tea bag. The fact I’ve spent my whole life caring more about what others think or say, than what I might think or want to say, has nothing to do with anything. Does it?
I was questioning what to write about this week. Many ideas, few words. Big ideas, little words. Then I had a cup of tea. And I decided to try and impress myself. Share. Vulnerably.
It’s not easy running a business. It’s not easy doing it alone. No one will call you if you don’t show up at your desk in the morning (or ever). No one will tell you to go home at the end of the day. Or that you’ve done a good job. Or not. For someone who’s been after recognition and appreciation their whole professional life (and beyond), it’s very challenging. And I can tell you that when I first quit my corporate job to start my own business and found myself in that very situation, I was not bothered about impressing myself. I was quite into this victim mindset – I can’t do this and boohoo poor me I have no self-discipline nor drive.
I just figured out why it’s back. The anxiety. The tears in the back (and front) of my eyes. I am terrified about the idea of going ‘offline’ for a week. It’s technically not offline as I’ll have my phone and even my laptop with me – I’ll be running my mum’s school’s trip blog (yes, I am also a chaperone for French teenagers the whole of next week) as she kindly requested. Of course, I’m happy to do it. It just makes me laugh so much.
The Anxiety 2
Anyways. The anxiety. I’ve been transported back to my corporate days. The guilt of going on holidays and leaving my colleagues to deal with my work. This need I had to feel irreplaceable. This urge to do EVERYTHING in the last few days leading to my trip. There was always a trip. A big escape. Far, for long. A complete disconnection to my life. 3 weeks a year. The rest was just trying harder, running faster, serving better (or not). Always. Rarely saying no. “I’m an optimist!”, I’d say. “If you believe, the universe will believe it too!” I certainly believed, but I needed a reality check.
Today I’m not longing to go on holidays and I’m more than happy to take some AMP Smoking work with me. It feels great, actually, to be able to concentrate on my business while having lots of me/friends/family/kitties time, considering I otherwise have 4 more jobs here in Amsterdam. But, you know what? I know why I’m doing it. I know I can make a difference in the world and get the life I truly want, and that it’s all part of the journey. Mind me, the whole corporate life was also part of the journey. It’s a wonderful process, and one that keeps on teaching.
This week I’m stripping my schedule back. Not for this week (tight stomach feeling as I write these words), I missed that coach. For the next, and the next, and the next after that. You know that feeling when you cannot retain any new information as your brain is overloaded with facts, to-do lists and passwords? I forgot everything this week. Literally. Where people come from, where they’re going. Their orders. To pay them. To get back to them. To listen to them. To listen to me. To breathe. To meditate. To smoke. To vape. My vape pen. To take my vitamins. To wash my hair (ew). To check my calendar before I book a meeting. My taxes (like, seriously).
I’m holding my head in my hands dramatically. I’m scared! Scared to let go, to trust the process, to stop trying to control everything. I’m terrified to make the wrong decision.
A dear friend once told me that time isn’t linear (and Einstein). It’s a spiral. Life is made of cycles, seasons, tides. We are cycles. We sway closer and further from the centre alternatively, always. And every time it gets better. More powerful, more magical. Even when it gets worse. Always.
Typing this has opened my eyes further. Writing is such a powerful tool.
I am my number 1 priority, love, and asset.
Right now, I either need to finally watch Brene Brown’s Netflix special or write some more. Or both?
What is it that you need today? For you, just you? Give yourself the space to do just that. For added accountability or if you just feel like sharing, the comments below are here for you 🙂
Actually, I will do some yoga for the first time in weeks. That’s what I need right now. Bonus: I’m pairing it with Cannabis – the joy of home yoga! If you want to read about the time I tried Ganga Yoga, head here.
Much love, A.M.P xx
A.M.P is the founder and C.E.O of AMP Smoking.